I did it. On Thursday, I performed in front of an audience of roughly 300 people as part of The Vagina Monologues. I didn’t think I was going to make it. My emotions were threatening to get the best of me. I couldn’t keep still, and my body wanted to move…so that’s what I did. Pretty much all day. Move, here and there, up and down, back and forth. Total craziness.
There was only one thing that calmed me down. And that thing came at the very last minute it could have. It managed to be right on time.
You see, Thursday, February 16th, was exactly 6 months since my cousin Ed was murdered. We use death in various ways; one of the ways that I thought I could honor my cousin was to live my life fully and completely, everyday. I think I’ve done a pretty good job of that. Of course, I always think I could do more. There are not quite enough hours in the day.
On Thursday morning, when I woke up, I could feel a sense of exhilaration grip me. It stayed with me all day. I went to work for 4 hours that morning, and I found myself constantly hopping up out of my chair, almost run-walking to the bathroom or to the break room or to the copy room, or to talk to the HR Manager and/or Recruiter. I went outside a couple of times, and just walked around the building. I couldn’t quite figure out what was going on. I mean, I’m no stranger to public speaking; I am comfortable in front of an audience…I am a trainer, for crying out loud! I wasn’t worried about my voice giving out, or falling on stage (the horror!), or flubbing my lines. In fact, I wasn’t worried at all. So I didn’t understand for most of the day what on earth the feeling that I was feeling was.
Right before it was my time, I closed my eyes and said a quick prayer. I prayed that if it was God’s will, that someone would be touched by the words that would soon come out of my mouth. I prayed for God to use me in whatever way He needed to. After delivering my Monologue, and retreating back to my chair on stage, I looked up at the lights just above my head. I felt their warmth, I felt their glare, I felt the power. I smiled, because I felt my cousin smiling down on me. Giving me one of those good hugs he used to give to everyone. Telling me good job. You see, my cousin Ed is the main reason I decided to audition and consequently participate in The Vagina Monologues. Death makes everything urgent; all the things that you have put off until that time take center stage and beg to be completed, or at the very least, attempted. In the months following my cousin’s death, I finished the first draft of my book, started school again, lost 20 lbs., and participated in this play. I want to believe; I do believe that I am living my life in a way that honors his that was taken away so suddenly.
I am happy. I am at peace. I am alive. I am full. I don’t know what else the Lord has planned for me, but I look forward to discovering where He is going to take me. I anticipate the things that I know He is ready to do with me and for me. Oh, how I wish I could give this feeling to everyone that I know. I try; kind words filled with truth and love, and warm hugs are my methods of choice. Yesterday, during Whitney Houston’s homegoing celebration, Pastor Marvin Winans uttered these words:
The gifts that we have is God’s gift to us. But the life that we live is our gift to God.
I’ve read so many books and written so many words this weekend that it’s all running together. It’s a busy season for me. Two online classes, increased responsibility at work, book club, editing my own book, and rehearsing for the Vagina Monologues. That’s a lot. But I like the busyness; I like having almost too much to do. It keeps my mind from becoming the devil’s playground. It keeps me from fantasy and imagination. It keeps me in reality.
So here I sit, on a cool 43° Sunday morning, writing. There is no place I would rather be, nothing I would rather be doing. I think of all the things that need to be done and I want to run and do them all at once. That’s impossible. I’ll tackle one thing at a time, making sure that my time is occupied. The busyness helps me to sleep better. The busyness allows me to appreciate those moments when I have the time to sit still and listen. The busyness will never find me complaining.
The one thing I never want to become is someone who loses kinship with busyness. I never want to find myself sitting alone, moving from room to room in my home, looking for busyness. I embrace all that busyness brings, and invite more. God has never given me more than I can handle. So during these times, I simply resolve to do. There is no other way I would have it.
Even when things seem to be going awry, even when I don’t think I can find the strength, even when I fall down…I am forever grateful. For my friends who tell me the truth, for my family that loves me no matter what, for all of life’s experiences…I can only say thank you. I know it all means something.
I woke up with this song on my heart. I pray that it speaks to you as it has spoken to me.
video credit: originally uploaded to YouTube on January 29, 2010 by BrotherAjay2
My mind is cluttered. I have so many things going on that I am having a hard time focusing. What bothers me is that most of the thoughts in my mind are questions, not answers. I like to think I am deliberate. I like to think that I move swiftly and walk ahead with purpose. This Sunday morning finds me indecisive and doubtful. I absolutely hate it when this happens.
I am going to blame it on the Full Moon. With every Full Moon that occurs, I get all in my feelings and things that I am trying to avoid or ignore stand up front and center in my face, demanding attention. I guess the positive way to look at this period of time is that it is the Universe’s reminder to me to close doors and end chapters. It also may be the Universe’s way of reminding me to stay open and free. Those things that I can’t seem to resolve (or honestly, won’t resolve) keep staring me in my face. What prevents me from dealing with them? What am I waiting on?
I think about shit too much. Even when I should let go and let God, I want to find a way to fix everything. That is just the way I’m built. It gets me into trouble when I run into something that I can’t or shouldn’t fix. I believe there are some things that are just meant to be. There is no repair to be done, no need to fiddle with it; just let it be what it is. I struggle with that, so I sit and think about it until I’ve exhausted myself and wind up…here.
The good news is that this is a temporary state. It will pass and I will get back to walking with purpose and being deliberate and afraid of nothing. For now, I am going to allow my mind to wander. I am going to allow myself to feel what I am feeling, hear what I am hearing, and be what I am. Eventually those questions that swirl around in my mind will have answers.
During this time of year, everyone seems to get so caught up. There are dinners to plan, parties to attend, gifts to buy. It is so easy to forget and move through these days without spending some time being still and listening. This Sunday morning, I’m up early and listening…to the silence.
It is during these silent moments, when my ears hear nothing, that I hear what I need to hear. It is in the silence that I find clarity. When the world keeps turning, when life continues to happen, I find comfort in the silence. I am reminded of my purpose, and reconnect with my focus on ensuring I’m living up to my destiny.
I fall short. I don’t think I’ve done all that I can do. But everyday that I get that touch and open my eyes, I am given a gift of a new day. This new day means that I can try once again. This new day means that I can continue walking. This new day means one more chance to be. I am chosen; God has favored me and that is the most humbling, beautiful thing I can even imagine. So who am I to not keep on living, keep on being, keep on listening?
I’m listening this morning. And my heart is full. I am in love, and love is in me.
I moved into my new home the Friday before last. Last Sunday, I had no internet so I was left struggling with expressing how much I love waking up to peace and quiet. It’s my favorite thing about Sunday mornings; waking up to the sun shining in the window, bringing with it a promise of newness and peace.
Peace is something you choose, or something that chooses you. It is up to you, however, to embrace it and roll around in it and put it on like a comfy robe. I choose peace this morning. My spirit has been tumbling lately because I’m dealing with another choice I have to make (more on this later), but this morning, I woke up and smiled at the knowledge that peace is right in front of me. All I need to do is grab it and hold it.
My family’s annual Christmas party was last night. I love being with my family; it is the place where I know I’m loved the most. And last night was like any other time that I’m with them…beautiful. I am forever thankful for these magnificent people that through blood or marriage or kinship that I’m related to. I’m an aunt, a daughter, a cousin, a niece, a granddaughter, a mother, and most of all, a friend to some wonderful people. They light my path. They provide my peace. They are my comfort.
This morning, as I enjoy my 2nd cup of coffee with Yolanda Adams sanging in the background of my big new kitchen, I feel peace. That is a feeling I’ve waited on for so long…and all I had to do to get it was to be still long enough to recognize it right in front of my eyes.
Open your eyes to the peace that is there for you to snatch. You’ll be amazed at how well it fits you.
What do you do on Sunday mornings? I know many of us get up and go to church and thank the Good Lord for allowing us to see another day. Many of us take the time out to be still, relishing the last day of the weekend before hitting the hustle and bustle of the work week on Monday.
I use Sunday to reconnect. To look back at the past week and decide what lessons I need to pay more attention to. I think about how I am living my life, and what I have to do to stay afloat in these days. I thank God for waking me up, and for loving me, and for constantly blessing me. I also aim to be quiet. That quiet allows me to breathe and move and be.
When you flitter about, constantly trying to figure this and that out, you miss out on hearing your Spirit direct you. This morning, I did something I haven’t done in a long time. Before I got out of bed, I sat cross-legged and just…breathed. I let the quiet surround me, and I let those inhalations and exhalations release the worry that is always there. In my quiet, I listen for my Spirit to affirm who I am and what I need to do.
The remainder of my Sunday will be filled with football watching and packing and homework. I have so much to do, but I don’t worry. I have full faith that I am in exactly the spot I’m supposed to be in. I believe that God will continue to prepare the table before me. I think that is the true meaning of happy…at least for me. There is nothing in this world that I consider to be out of reach; nothing that I feel that I cannot do. How powerful is that?!
Be quiet. Sit still for a little while and listen. You will always get an answer to whatever is on your mind. And you will continue to move forward to being who you are supposed to be.
I’m sitting here at my laptop, having my morning coffee while my Chihuahua, Max, taps my arm trying to get me to pet him. It’s about 67° outside, and my computer room is chilly. I’ve got Anita Baker playing in the background, and the rest of my house is quiet. I am enjoying being still.
This is what Sunday mornings should be…easy. Sunday mornings evoke a peace that should be respected and soaked up. There is no running around today, no errands to run, no places to be. Rest and relaxation are on the menu today, and I’m going to take the time to allow Sunday to lay on me and calm my spirits.
My goal for next week is to remain consistent. I want to stand on my convictions, believe that my dream is bigger than me, and walk out on faith that I can achieve and conquer it. Everyone needs a day to restore, reflect, and rebound…this is my day.
