Last Sunday, one of my classmates from high school died. She was 38…only a few months older than me. She’s not the first of my fellow classmates to pass, but her death punched me in the gut.

I’ve attended two funerals within the past couple of months. Having to stare death in the face like that has me anxious; it’s too close to me, makes me uncomfortable. I spent the better part of the weekend thinking about my departed classmate and crying because I couldn’t bring myself to attend her funeral. It was for totally selfish reasons, but I have this tendency to not deal with things immediately that strike fear in my heart. And Jackie’s death scared me beyond measure.

Maybe it is because I know that I don’t take care of myself the way that I should. Maybe it is because I don’t live and for the past few months, I’ve allowed the world to exist without me taking an active part. I can’t even blame my situation; this is completely an internal thing about me that I must change immediately. It is a different thing to want to be something, and to give yourself the freedom to bloom. I am my own obstacle.

My friend Jackie was there for me when I needed her during high school. She was one of the sweetest persons to ever walk the earth. I have to live with the fact that I never said goodbye to her. The only way I can think of repaying that debt to her is to move myself out of my own way and live. Live as though my next day will be my last. Live as though I have nothing to lose.

In the grand scheme of things, that is the best thing I can do for her…and for me.

Blessings…

The dreams stopped once. They used to be glorious and full of vibrancy, filled with creativity and robust imagination. The result of those dreams were fluid poems, witty and humorous short stories, and well-thought out articles that reflected the expanse of the mind that was unlimited in where it would go. When the dreams stopped, what was left behind was a massive void of confusion and anger and bitterness. Trying to fight through it only expounded these feelings, and made them worse.

What was lost was the belief. The belief that those dreams could materialize into reality. Believing that those dreams could take me to a place where freedom lived, where imagination could wipe away some of the burdens of reality. You see, if you don’t have dreams, what is there to believe in? What do you reach for when you are in that deep and dark place when all seems lost and the world is crumbling around you? You reach for your dreams.

We live in a world that is full of people who have dreamed big and achieved their dreams. There are times when we have to muster all of the goodness within us and fight the darkness holding us back and BELIEVE that we can achieve whatever it is that we dream. Someone left in my comments that there is no such thing as failure. If you BELIEVE that you can do something, and it doesn’t work out completely as you imagined, have you failed? Or have you discovered something new about yourself that you didn’t know before and achieved something bigger, something better?

The journey of life holds many surprises. There are ups and downs, and events that can leave you heartbroken. You can find yourself turned in the opposite direction of where you thought you were supposed to be headed…is that a bad thing? Never let the negativity get the best of you. Even in the darkest of times, there is a lesson to be learned from every experience. It is what you do with that lesson that shapes you and determines how you move forward. When I had my seizure, I was absolutely distraught because I couldn’t drive for 6 months. Here I was, a single mother with a 9-year-old who was very active in sports and after school activities. We had just moved to a new home and I had to depend on others to get him back and forth to practice. I also had to depend on others to get me to the grocery store and WalMart, and to the doctor, and wherever else I needed to go. That was hard for me…I was/am fiercely independent and it has always been difficult for me to depend on others for anything. I felt like a total and complete failure.

What I learned from this experience was I was not alone. I didn’t have to depend only on myself, because my family—who I love immensely—was there for me unconditionally. I could BELIEVE in them, and trust that they would not see me as a failure. It is this belief that saved me from a pool of self-degradation because of my status of having to depend on someone else for something. And it is this belief that has erased the pain of asking for help if I need it.

BELIEVE in you. BELIEVE that you can be whatever you want to be. BELIEVE that you can be better, and bigger, and stronger. And BELIEVE that if the dreams have stopped, they will return…in all their vibrant, robust glory.

A few days ago, John Mayer, who I follow on Twitter, left this gem:

1. Take the fear. 2. Ask it why it would be so terrible if it were true. 3. Ask it “and THEN what?” Chances are your fear has no answer.

My whole life, I have lived as others have wanted me too…I knew nothing else. The dreams that I have had, the person I wanted to be never took precedence, never took flight…all because I was too busy living up to someone else’s dream. But I can’t blame everyone else. I can only blame myself. Because truly, if I wanted to step into being who I really should be, I would have. It was the fear that kept me from pursuing my goals and my dreams.

Now, it is me. And I have to depend on myself to pull myself through this fear of being me. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but it is ultimately the most rewarding. Everyday, I find out how strong I am, how much tenacity I have, and what faith really means. I look in the face of fear everyday and ask, “What happens if I don’t try?” I wake up every morning with the thought on my mind that today I’m going to accomplish something, and most days I do. There are still days when I feel defeated, but I still wake up in the morning and try again. That in its self is an accomplishment, I think. Because I have not yet given in, or given up.

Thankfully, I’ve had some angels placed in my path over the past couple of months that have given me the gifts of motivation and realization. If you’ve ever felt that you are at the door of something bigger than you, that on the other side is something momentous and life-changing, then you know how I feel right now. All I need to do is conquer this fear of becoming great. Of becoming the person I am destined to be.

I’m ready…and I won’t ever give up.

video credit: originally uploaded to YouTube on March 2, 2007 by BrothaAjay

Who are your friends? What makes you call someone your friend? I’ve never had many friends. I still connect with my girlfriend from high school, although we have taken different paths in life. It is a hard pill for me to swallow that we are not as close as we used to be. I mean, she was in my wedding, I was in hers…I still love her like my sister. But I have this innate fear of getting too close to people because eventually they go away. So I push them away, or better yet, I go away. I’m absolutely terrible at keeping in touch with folks, especially people that I like. I guess I don’t want to get too close.

In my years, I’ve had some very good friends, and some very bad ones. Let’s talk about the bad ones first. These are the ones that you constantly have to watch your back for. The ones that smile in your face and will turn you around and stab you in the back. After a while you discover that the only reason you call them friend is so you can watch them. Maybe if they are close, then they can’t hurt you so badly. That is not true.

Then there are the ones that are friends with you because they feel some obligation to you. You’ve done something for them in the past and they feel like they owe you something. I don’t want anyone to feel like being my friend is a repayment of a debt. You can keep that. Then there are those friends who come and go…you have an argument with them and instead of sitting down and talking about it, they disappear. They would rather believe rumors and hearsay then ask you, their supposed friend, what happened. Your so-called friendship has been ruined because of lies, and you can’t even defend yourself.

On the other hand, you have the golden friends. The ones who stick like glue, who tell you the truth, no matter what. You may not talk to them all the time, but they instinctively know when they are needed and are right there. These are the friends that feel your pain, and cry with you, and if you are wrong, tell you. They don’t stroke your ego, but support you 100%. They don’t laugh at you or demean you, but love you enough to never lie to you and always come at you straight. And even in your foolish attempts to push them away, they never leave, never falter, never fade. It is almost a spiritual bond…not of this earth.

Introspectively, I am the type of friend who loves unconditionally. Once we get past the “me trying to push you away” thing, if there is a problem, then I try to resolve it. I may not always call or send birthday cards, but you are always in my heart and prayers. If you need anything, you can have it.

I have lost many friends over the past couple of years, because most of them were tied up in my job. That hurts. But it also helps me to identify what is real, and what is not. There is a lot of clarifying and eye-opening that I have been graced with…at times it is overwhelming and I can only sit and quietly ponder exactly why this all is going on now. However, it also makes me extremely aware of the fact that there is something bigger than me at work here. There is absolutely no denying that.

Now that I’m at home in the afternoon, I get to watch Oprah again. I had stopped watching her for a while…I think I was suffering from Oprah overload. There is a draw to her that I can only explain as fascination anew. On her show the other day, she showed this video of Christian the Lion. It made me cry my eyes out. I think it epitomizes what friendship should be…that no matter what, love will always recognize love.

Enjoy…

video credit: originally uploaded to YouTube on August 1, 2008 by DanielaVideoProducti

It consumes you. It can overtake everything you think, and motivate you to do things that you wouldn’t do normally. Anger can also cause your body to react…your blood pressure increases, you break out into a sweat, your heart races. According to Wikipedia, anger is “usually derived from sadness, and becomes the predominant feeling behaviorally, cognitively, and physiologically when a person makes the conscious choice to take action to immediately stop the threatening behavior of another outside force.”

I have a temper. I also have learned to control that temper. In the past, I thought that I was controlling my anger by doing something that is maybe not so healthy…internalizing things. Instead of venting or letting my feelings out, I used to keep them locked up. I would be so mad that the only way to show that anger was through tears. So I became known as “Crying Marva” because I wouldn’t tell anyone how I felt; I would just start crying and go off to be by myself to deal with whatever pissed me off. Once I figured out how to ignore whatever the situation was, I was alright again. But that didn’t solve the problem.

After suffering a seizure, and then dealing with migraines, I had to learn how to let that stuff out. The first way was through journaling. I wrote down everything…from how I felt to being awakened in the morning unexpectedly to being compared to a penny by one of my friends (it’s a long story…I’ll tell you later). Journaling became my release. Then I got used to hiding my feelings even from myself and my journaling became empty. When you begin to lie to yourself, there is a deeper problem. So I set out to understand why I was so angry all the time, and what I could do about it. I picked up a couple of books, saw a therapist, and did a lot of praying. And I realized that being honest with myself was the only way that I was going to be able to get to the root of the problem.

So I picked up my journal again, this time in the form of a blog. I figured that opening myself up to others would force me to be truthful. This blogging thing is more than a hobby to me; it is a lifeline. It is my way to let my feelings out and not be consumed by the anger that could destroy me. I’ve had many things over the past years that I could be angry about, and I let the anger come in and I face it, deal with it, get it out, and move on. Because I don’t have space in my life to be consumed by this potentially negative force. On the other hand, I know that anger has motivated me to some of the best moments in my life. It has pushed me off the couch, out of the bed, out of the house…all in an effort to do something to change what was going on in my life.

You can either let the anger consume you or let it motivate you to be better, stronger, wiser. I choose the latter.

This song has nothing to do with the post (maybe it does) but it’s been on my mind. Enjoy…

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