Posts Tagged ‘Love’
November 13th, 2011
I wondered how I would mark this occasion. I thought I would just post a video of the song that best described how I feel the morning I wake up to 40. I tried to do a little celebration every day since November 1; I realize that the celebration was really a ruse. I am simply enjoying being alive and well. But being the person I am, I had to do something.
So while watching Black Girls Rock, I received inspiration from Tatiana Ali who wrote a letter to her younger self. The Year of My 40 begins with a letter to my younger self.
Dear Marva,
I love you. I wish that you could see what I see in you. There is such potential, such vitality, such love inside you that I don’t think you realize. I would like to tell you a few things that I think will help you along in your journey…things that I have learned during my 40 years on this earth.
Through all the challenges that you will encounter, please remember that you are strong. Even when it feels as though life is crumbling around you, you have everything in you to withstand the storms and arrive at your destination. Your strength is your strongest gift. Use it wisely and don’t allow anyone to convince you that you cannot stand on your own. You can…and will.
One thing that I’ve learned is that sometimes you have to separate yourself from those who bring you down, no matter who they are. You have a light, Marva…many people are intimidated by that light and try to snuff it. Use Matthew 5:13-16 as your guide and never forget that you are God’s child. He has created you with something unique; pass that gift along to others so that they too may see God in you.
Love will never hurt you. Love doesn’t lie, or lay in wait, or hide from you. Love will find you when you realize that it lives inside you. That companionship that you crave, those times when you feel lonely…remember that you always have family and friends who surround you who pray for you daily. Love comes in many forms; don’t settle on one way to give and receive and manifest that love in your life.
Believe, Marva. Believe in your dreams and believe that you can achieve them. It may not happen when you think it should…God doesn’t follow your timeline. As long as you put forth the effort and trust that God has given you everything that you need to succeed, you will achieve those goals that may seem unreachable. Believe that life is here for you to live it. Believe that you can be whatever you choose to be. Believe that love will lift you higher than anything else you encounter.
Most of all, never lose sight of who you are. Step outside of your box sometime to learn something new about you. Face everyday with positivity. Give all of yourself to those you love, things you are passionate about, and never be afraid to speak the truth…it really does set you free.
You have a road ahead of you that will at times be tough. You will cry and desire and feel alone. You never are. Remember that always and treasure the moments when you smile. Embrace the times when you feel love surround you. Freedom is what you will have by loving who you are, no matter what other’s opinions of you are.
Happy Birthday, Marva. Celebrate by dancing, because sometimes that is the only answer.
Til I die, I’ma fucking ball…who gon’ stop me, huh?!
~ M
August 9th, 2011
My boy turns 16 today. Like always, I’m all in my feelings about it. I did it when Jordyn went to kindergarten, I did it when he turned 13, and I’ll do it when he graduates and goes to college.
I think back to when Jordyn was born. Such a big boy (8lbs, 8 ozs.). I remember my first thought was, “His hands are so big!” But I loved him. Even before I knew him, I loved him. The picture over there is my favorite one. He is 3 months old, and the cutest thing I ever saw. But the picture is more than that of a cute baby; it epitomizes the joy that he brings to my life daily.
I complain. I nag. I yell, I fuss. Sometimes I just want him to go away for a while so I can catch my breath. Between running him back and forth to school and football practice, to never being able to eat my leftovers because he got to them first, I feel a little overwhelmed from time to time. I then catch my breath and remember how blessed I am.
I am blessed because God gave me this beautiful gift to love. I am blessed because even though sometimes I can’t pay Jordyn to remember to take out the trash or clean his room, he is the one bright spot in my life that I can count on. I don’t know what I would do without him…he is my joy.
It’s getting more and more where he won’t need me as much. I see signs of him pulling away, and I feel conflicted. You see, I want him to grow up and experience life. I want him to bump into his own walls and learn the lessons life has in store for him. I want him to fall in love and have someone break his heart, then have the audacity to fall in love again. But I also just want to stand in front of him like the lioness I have been for the past 16 years and protect him from all of that. But I can’t, and I won’t.
My boy is a good boy. He’s mischievous, and quick to laughter. He has a kind heart, and is infallibly generous and polite. Today on his 16th birthday, I look back and remember the baby I once vowed to love and protect. I also look ahead and see that he is becoming the man his father and I want him to be.
The Sarabi to his Simba,
~ M
December 2nd, 2010
In the magnificent novel and movie, Beloved, Baby Suggs delivers a sermon out in the clearing. Her sermon includes these magical words: “More than your life-holding womb and your life-giving private parts, hear me now, love your heart. For this is the prize (Morrison 88). As I’m re-reading this classic, this line tore a hole right through my spirit.
It’s easy to forget how to love yourself, especially when faced with the day to day obstacles of living life. As women, we often put others before ourselves, reducing ourselves to a second thought. I know I have experienced this, and I’ve paid the price for doing so. I’m willing and ready to completely change that.
A woman has to realize that she is at the center of all things. Everything starts, and stops, with her. If she does not face life with passion and tenacity, then those around her (namely her family) will not either. A quote that I have in my journal by Iyanla Vanzant says, “I am the one I have been looking for.” There is nothing on the outside that will love me like I can love myself. The first thing I have to do is look for that love here, before I can go and try to give it away out there.
Being a woman is an amazing thing. The older I get, the more I appreciate every aspect of it. I’ve had a rough couple of years, but through it all I can say that because I am who God made me, I am persevering. I am powerful because my mind and body still works (sometimes I have to beg and plead for them to work, but they work nonetheless). I am beautiful because I simply am. I don’t require validation from anyone or anything. The validation is already within; I just have to find it and love it.
Love your heart. Love the beats that bounce rhythmically in your chest. Love the life that it pumps through your body. Love the goodness found there. Love how it swells with pride, aches with pain, rushes with excitement, and never fails to keep beating. Love it and you will soon find how much it loves you back. And that it has been waiting on you to realize just that, for a very long time.
