Last Sunday, one of my classmates from high school died. She was 38…only a few months older than me. She’s not the first of my fellow classmates to pass, but her death punched me in the gut.

I’ve attended two funerals within the past couple of months. Having to stare death in the face like that has me anxious; it’s too close to me, makes me uncomfortable. I spent the better part of the weekend thinking about my departed classmate and crying because I couldn’t bring myself to attend her funeral. It was for totally selfish reasons, but I have this tendency to not deal with things immediately that strike fear in my heart. And Jackie’s death scared me beyond measure.

Maybe it is because I know that I don’t take care of myself the way that I should. Maybe it is because I don’t live and for the past few months, I’ve allowed the world to exist without me taking an active part. I can’t even blame my situation; this is completely an internal thing about me that I must change immediately. It is a different thing to want to be something, and to give yourself the freedom to bloom. I am my own obstacle.

My friend Jackie was there for me when I needed her during high school. She was one of the sweetest persons to ever walk the earth. I have to live with the fact that I never said goodbye to her. The only way I can think of repaying that debt to her is to move myself out of my own way and live. Live as though my next day will be my last. Live as though I have nothing to lose.

In the grand scheme of things, that is the best thing I can do for her…and for me.

Blessings…

What is your passion?

I ask this question to you as much as I ask it of myself. For so long, I believed that writing was my passion. Writing allows me to be free, it allows me to use that voice that I sometimes don’t use when I’m face to face with people. I am bold and outspoken when I write, and my pen is mighty. There was a time when I felt like I was outside of myself when I wrote, like something took over when I was in a zone and fully into the world I was writing about.

I’ve often read that your passion dominates your mind; it is often the first thing on your mind when you awake and the last thing you think of before you drift off to sleep. I can attest to that…there are times when I am shaken out of my sleep by the urge to put pen to pad. There are times when sleep eludes me because of the urge to transform the thoughts in my mind to words.

What is your passion?

Ultimately, your passion may not necessarily be your purpose. But it can be your portal to determining what your purpose is, which may open up a whole new world to you that you never thought possible. It is all about dreams and shooting for the moon and jumping out of your box. One of my favorite quotes comes from one of my favorite people, Oprah Winfrey:

“We can’t become what we need to be by remaining what we are.”

The one thing that I’ve learned is that you cannot run from your passion. You can attempt to ignore it, but it will never die. There will always be something that ignites the eternal light that burns within you to pursue your passion…it really is up to you whether or not you grab the baton and run with it.

What is your passion?

It will not be easy. You will be knocked down and around, but you must always keep focused on the goal. Again, I write this as much for you as I do for myself. Do you ever get the feeling that you are on the cusp of something major in your life? That is how I feel right now. And I needed to hear these words, so I’m telling them to myself. Actually, I’m not…they are coming from my help above. Quite frankly, I don’t think you can get anywhere without faith. I don’t knock any one’s beliefs, but I know that I place my trust and faith in the Lord who wakes me in the morning and sets me on my way. I know that he has promised me something better…and in order to get to that something better, I must put my faith in action. I can’t sit by idly and wait for him to deliver. We have all been given special gifts to share…and I am ready to share mine.

Are you ready to share yours?

Peace…

I am listening to Steve Harvey this morning and he said something that struck me. During his testimonial portion of his morning show, he said:

Aspire to take yourself where you will need God to get you there.

I actually froze when I heard this statement. Mainly because I know that I’ve come as far as I can go on my own strength. Everything else, from here on out, is decided by the God that I serve and worship. It’s almost hard to put into words, but I tell you that having faith and walking in that faith are two totally different things. I’ve always thought that I was a faithful person; I never had to stand on that faith until recently. I never had to walk blindly toward what was ahead of me until now. Each step is something new, something different, something challenging…and I wouldn’t change a thing.

My experience is leading me toward something that will open up the door to that place called beautiful. Sometimes the knowledge of that gets buried under the worries of everyday life…however, ultimately I keep coming back to the undeniable truth.

The truth is that I am free. Yes, I still have to deal with the everyday things that pop up, and yes, I still have fight through my doubts and worries…but the freedom comes from knowing that I am no longer alone.

What a blessing that is…

Peace…

When I commit to something, I give it my full attention. Especially if it is something that I am passionate about. Even more so if it is something that I believe I am supposed to be doing, something that has been given to me by the heavens. So if I give to that commitment, you will never have to question my dedication…it is there, always. Strong and unwavering.

Sometimes, though…that dedication is not returned. That commitment is not a two-way street.

It’s like being in a marriage that you give everything to and your spouse is AWOL. Everyone looking in can maybe see it being one-sided, but you can’t see it yourself. Because all you see is yourself maybe committed enough for the both of you, being the glue holding everything together. You never pay attention to the signs…you keep going as if everything is all right and keep making plans as though you don’t know your spouse is not sharing in your commitment. That is denial, folks.

When you give your heart to something, you wish with everything in you that everyone involved will be as committed to it as you are. You wish for everyone to feel the way you do, and you wish everyone to push past the fears, and hurts, and obstacles the same way you are. But it doesn’t work that way. You may start off on the same level, but somewhere along the way everyone veers off on their own path, and you lose someone, or something. You may still have your eyes on the prize, or think you do, but maybe the prize has changed and you weren’t informed.

That is part of the problem…if you can’t be open with each other, then you will never have anything to build a foundation on.

I know I’m talking in circles, but I have a lot of shit that I need to get off my chest and it is just coming out in spurts. Forgive me. It’ll all make sense in the long run.

Commitment to someone or something you love is essential in realizing your purpose and your dreams. But the caution is this: never let anyone else decide whether you succeed or fail. Find your own North Star and let it guide you.

Peace and blessings…

I honestly am scared out of my mind…but I keep going.

I honestly close my eyes sometimes and cry heavy tears…but I keep praying.

I honestly feel that fear creep in…but I keep believing.

I honestly think I could be in a better place, if I had only listened sooner…but I keep focused.

I honestly want to take better care of myself…but I keep trying.

I honestly feel disappointed in my son at times…but I keep loving him.

I honestly feel sad sometimes…but I keep smiling.

I honestly feel like hiding in bed all day…but I keep getting up (thankfully).

I honestly feel alone…but I keep loving.

I honestly thank God for each and every moment, every lesson learned, and every gift he has given me. For only through those things have I become who I am. I am not perfect, but I am exactly who I am supposed to be right now…

Peace and blessings…