I’ve read so many books and written so many words this weekend that it’s all running together. It’s a busy season for me. Two online classes, increased responsibility at work, book club, editing my own book, and rehearsing for the Vagina Monologues. That’s a lot. But I like the busyness; I like having almost too much to do. It keeps my mind from becoming the devil’s playground. It keeps me from fantasy and imagination. It keeps me in reality.
So here I sit, on a cool 43° Sunday morning, writing. There is no place I would rather be, nothing I would rather be doing. I think of all the things that need to be done and I want to run and do them all at once. That’s impossible. I’ll tackle one thing at a time, making sure that my time is occupied. The busyness helps me to sleep better. The busyness allows me to appreciate those moments when I have the time to sit still and listen. The busyness will never find me complaining.
The one thing I never want to become is someone who loses kinship with busyness. I never want to find myself sitting alone, moving from room to room in my home, looking for busyness. I embrace all that busyness brings, and invite more. God has never given me more than I can handle. So during these times, I simply resolve to do. There is no other way I would have it.
Even when things seem to be going awry, even when I don’t think I can find the strength, even when I fall down…I am forever grateful. For my friends who tell me the truth, for my family that loves me no matter what, for all of life’s experiences…I can only say thank you. I know it all means something.
I woke up with this song on my heart. I pray that it speaks to you as it has spoken to me.
video credit: originally uploaded to YouTube on January 29, 2010 by BrotherAjay2
My mind is cluttered. I have so many things going on that I am having a hard time focusing. What bothers me is that most of the thoughts in my mind are questions, not answers. I like to think I am deliberate. I like to think that I move swiftly and walk ahead with purpose. This Sunday morning finds me indecisive and doubtful. I absolutely hate it when this happens.
I am going to blame it on the Full Moon. With every Full Moon that occurs, I get all in my feelings and things that I am trying to avoid or ignore stand up front and center in my face, demanding attention. I guess the positive way to look at this period of time is that it is the Universe’s reminder to me to close doors and end chapters. It also may be the Universe’s way of reminding me to stay open and free. Those things that I can’t seem to resolve (or honestly, won’t resolve) keep staring me in my face. What prevents me from dealing with them? What am I waiting on?
I think about shit too much. Even when I should let go and let God, I want to find a way to fix everything. That is just the way I’m built. It gets me into trouble when I run into something that I can’t or shouldn’t fix. I believe there are some things that are just meant to be. There is no repair to be done, no need to fiddle with it; just let it be what it is. I struggle with that, so I sit and think about it until I’ve exhausted myself and wind up…here.
The good news is that this is a temporary state. It will pass and I will get back to walking with purpose and being deliberate and afraid of nothing. For now, I am going to allow my mind to wander. I am going to allow myself to feel what I am feeling, hear what I am hearing, and be what I am. Eventually those questions that swirl around in my mind will have answers.
I’m really glad to see 2011 go. It was a rough year, tarnished by tragedy and pain. The year 2011 wasn’t all bad; I met some wonderful people and had my eyes open to possibility. I have been thrown off my path by the flirtiness of love and life, and yet, I’m still here. That in itself is a huge blessing. And the lessons I’ve learned will stay with me and make me stronger, better, wiser.
One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned this year was that you cannot hide from love. It will chase you down and envelop you. It will tackle and twist you up, so much so that you no longer know if you are coming or going. No matter the form that love takes when it comes to you, I’ve learned that you must acknowledge it and not try to hide from it. It will find you, inevitably. What you do with that love is the most important lesson. Love is not to be kept or stored; love is for sharing and spreading. I’ve learned to be true to my feelings and acknowledge that they are valid and real, and to give that love freely, no matter the consequence.
This year, I lost my cousin Ed and my Aunt Fronnie. While it is always difficult to lose someone that you love, I find comfort in knowing that they were great people who lived their lives. My cousin Ed was a phenomenal man. A man that loved his family and friends, and who graciously gave his love to anyone who came in contact with him. I still cringe when I remember that his life was cut short by bullets and jealousy. It is my job, I believe, to continue to live fearlessly because of his death. Ed’s death taught me that tomorrow is never promised, and that in order to fully stand up in place destined for you, I have to be deliberate. Resting on my laurels will never get me the life I want…I must fear nothing and continue to progress.
This whole year was a reaffirmation of the blessings that I have been given. Even when I was down and out, I kept breathing, kept waking, kept receiving another chance to stand. I’m thankful for that. It may seem to be a simple blessing, but I think it’s the most important one. God has chosen me; he wants me to achieve and grow and be completely who I am. That’s why I keep waking in the morning; that’s why I still have a chance to go after all those things that have evaded me, in spite of myself.
“I look in the mirror…my only opponent…” (c) Jay-Z
I stand in my own way. I could look around and blame others for where I am, but truly I am my biggest obstacle. I’ve learned this year to get out of my own way, and let the universe take care of clearing my path. I had to swallow my pride this year and climb over seemingly unconquerable mountains, but I did it. When I got stuck, it was because I chose to stand and look around rather than continue on. I am moving, and I have to thank those that forever have their hands at my back, pushing me towards myself.
I have the most amazing friends. It has taken me a long time to establish friendships that are supportive and giving. My SisterFriends are the most amazing group of ladies that I know. I love them because they are honest and pure with me, all while coming from a place of love. I don’t have to worry about backbiting and jealousy, I don’t worry about that whole crabs-in-a-barrel mentality that I think plagues us as women. Any competition among us is healthy, and we don’t tear each other down in order to make ourselves look better.
I also came back to my family and made a commitment to be more involved. It is within the walls of my family that I learn life’s best lessons. I’ve learned how to be a woman, how to be a friend, and how not to ever give up from my family. We argue and fuss, we don’t speak to each other and get mad, but always come back to the center of it all when life throws a curveball. It’s not perfect; I still have ties that need repairing…I’m working on it.
Going into 2012, I am choosing to continue being positive. there is so much I could complain about…but why? Complaining never changes anything. I choose to take those things that impede my progress and find the positivity. I am living to find the possibilities. My motto for this year is simply,
“Remember that at any given moment, there are a thousand things you can love.” (c) David Levithan
I choose to find those things to love, rather than settle with the things to hate.
During this time of year, everyone seems to get so caught up. There are dinners to plan, parties to attend, gifts to buy. It is so easy to forget and move through these days without spending some time being still and listening. This Sunday morning, I’m up early and listening…to the silence.
It is during these silent moments, when my ears hear nothing, that I hear what I need to hear. It is in the silence that I find clarity. When the world keeps turning, when life continues to happen, I find comfort in the silence. I am reminded of my purpose, and reconnect with my focus on ensuring I’m living up to my destiny.
I fall short. I don’t think I’ve done all that I can do. But everyday that I get that touch and open my eyes, I am given a gift of a new day. This new day means that I can try once again. This new day means that I can continue walking. This new day means one more chance to be. I am chosen; God has favored me and that is the most humbling, beautiful thing I can even imagine. So who am I to not keep on living, keep on being, keep on listening?
I’m listening this morning. And my heart is full. I am in love, and love is in me.
I moved into my new home the Friday before last. Last Sunday, I had no internet so I was left struggling with expressing how much I love waking up to peace and quiet. It’s my favorite thing about Sunday mornings; waking up to the sun shining in the window, bringing with it a promise of newness and peace.
Peace is something you choose, or something that chooses you. It is up to you, however, to embrace it and roll around in it and put it on like a comfy robe. I choose peace this morning. My spirit has been tumbling lately because I’m dealing with another choice I have to make (more on this later), but this morning, I woke up and smiled at the knowledge that peace is right in front of me. All I need to do is grab it and hold it.
My family’s annual Christmas party was last night. I love being with my family; it is the place where I know I’m loved the most. And last night was like any other time that I’m with them…beautiful. I am forever thankful for these magnificent people that through blood or marriage or kinship that I’m related to. I’m an aunt, a daughter, a cousin, a niece, a granddaughter, a mother, and most of all, a friend to some wonderful people. They light my path. They provide my peace. They are my comfort.
This morning, as I enjoy my 2nd cup of coffee with Yolanda Adams sanging in the background of my big new kitchen, I feel peace. That is a feeling I’ve waited on for so long…and all I had to do to get it was to be still long enough to recognize it right in front of my eyes.
Open your eyes to the peace that is there for you to snatch. You’ll be amazed at how well it fits you.
What do you do on Sunday mornings? I know many of us get up and go to church and thank the Good Lord for allowing us to see another day. Many of us take the time out to be still, relishing the last day of the weekend before hitting the hustle and bustle of the work week on Monday.
I use Sunday to reconnect. To look back at the past week and decide what lessons I need to pay more attention to. I think about how I am living my life, and what I have to do to stay afloat in these days. I thank God for waking me up, and for loving me, and for constantly blessing me. I also aim to be quiet. That quiet allows me to breathe and move and be.
When you flitter about, constantly trying to figure this and that out, you miss out on hearing your Spirit direct you. This morning, I did something I haven’t done in a long time. Before I got out of bed, I sat cross-legged and just…breathed. I let the quiet surround me, and I let those inhalations and exhalations release the worry that is always there. In my quiet, I listen for my Spirit to affirm who I am and what I need to do.
The remainder of my Sunday will be filled with football watching and packing and homework. I have so much to do, but I don’t worry. I have full faith that I am in exactly the spot I’m supposed to be in. I believe that God will continue to prepare the table before me. I think that is the true meaning of happy…at least for me. There is nothing in this world that I consider to be out of reach; nothing that I feel that I cannot do. How powerful is that?!
Be quiet. Sit still for a little while and listen. You will always get an answer to whatever is on your mind. And you will continue to move forward to being who you are supposed to be.
We all know the story behind Thanksgiving; I choose to embrace this holiday as a time to be thankful and humbled at all the blessings that I’ve been given.
So I say to you: be grateful, use love as your greatest weapon, and enjoy this time with those that you love, and who love you back.
I wondered how I would mark this occasion. I thought I would just post a video of the song that best described how I feel the morning I wake up to 40. I tried to do a little celebration every day since November 1; I realize that the celebration was really a ruse. I am simply enjoying being alive and well. But being the person I am, I had to do something.
So while watching Black Girls Rock, I received inspiration from Tatiana Ali who wrote a letter to her younger self. The Year of My 40 begins with a letter to my younger self.
Dear Marva,
I love you. I wish that you could see what I see in you. There is such potential, such vitality, such love inside you that I don’t think you realize. I would like to tell you a few things that I think will help you along in your journey…things that I have learned during my 40 years on this earth.
Through all the challenges that you will encounter, please remember that you are strong. Even when it feels as though life is crumbling around you, you have everything in you to withstand the storms and arrive at your destination. Your strength is your strongest gift. Use it wisely and don’t allow anyone to convince you that you cannot stand on your own. You can…and will.
One thing that I’ve learned is that sometimes you have to separate yourself from those who bring you down, no matter who they are. You have a light, Marva…many people are intimidated by that light and try to snuff it. Use Matthew 5:13-16 as your guide and never forget that you are God’s child. He has created you with something unique; pass that gift along to others so that they too may see God in you.
Love will never hurt you. Love doesn’t lie, or lay in wait, or hide from you. Love will find you when you realize that it lives inside you. That companionship that you crave, those times when you feel lonely…remember that you always have family and friends who surround you who pray for you daily. Love comes in many forms; don’t settle on one way to give and receive and manifest that love in your life.
Believe, Marva. Believe in your dreams and believe that you can achieve them. It may not happen when you think it should…God doesn’t follow your timeline. As long as you put forth the effort and trust that God has given you everything that you need to succeed, you will achieve those goals that may seem unreachable. Believe that life is here for you to live it. Believe that you can be whatever you choose to be. Believe that love will lift you higher than anything else you encounter.
Most of all, never lose sight of who you are. Step outside of your box sometime to learn something new about you. Face everyday with positivity. Give all of yourself to those you love, things you are passionate about, and never be afraid to speak the truth…it really does set you free.
You have a road ahead of you that will at times be tough. You will cry and desire and feel alone. You never are. Remember that always and treasure the moments when you smile. Embrace the times when you feel love surround you. Freedom is what you will have by loving who you are, no matter what other’s opinions of you are.
Happy Birthday, Marva. Celebrate by dancing, because sometimes that is the only answer.
Til I die, I’ma fucking ball…who gon’ stop me, huh?!
If you know me, you know that my life has been a series of ups and downs the past few years. I had already deemed this period of my life The Crazy Years, and delighted in the moment, the very moment that I stopped being crazy and came back to myself. Turns out there was an explanation for those tears that never seemed to end, the fights I picked with everyone around me, the weight gain and loss, and the random outbursts of pure anger.
I was, and am, going through menopause.
Imagine my surprise upon finding this out. I’m almost 40 (28 days until The Year of My 40 for those keeping track), so that means that I began menopause about 2 1/2 or 3 years ago. I don’t know when exactly, but if I trace back through The Crazy Years, I can probably figure it out. I wondered during my Crazy Years what the hell was going on, but I simply attributed the changes in my mood and attitude and body to the fact that I had a lot (!!!) of stress at the time. So when my periods didn’t show up, and my weight fluctuated seemingly daily, I didn’t give it much thought. It was only when I came back to myself that I went and saw my gynecologist to make sure nothing was physically wrong with me. I remember being frightened when Dr. G walked back into that cold little exam room and sat down on the stool. She was holding a stack of papers and the look on her face was something like disbelief. I steeled myself for bad news.
Instead, she shook her head and looked me dead in my face and said, “There is nothing wrong with you. You are going through men-o-pause.”
She then shared my lab results with me and showed me pictures from the ultrasound I had taken less than 30 minutes earlier. She took her time and explained what my test results meant and I sat there, shocked. I just kept thinking to myself, I’m too young to go through men-o-pause, right? Facts are facts, I guess. I’m still a little shocked by it, but everyday I think back to The Crazy Years and feel a little bit of relief that I now know what the hell was going on with me.
I have been done having children. The Boy is and will always be my one and only child. The finality of knowing that though, made me a little sad. What if I find that person out there who is just for me? How will I let him know that there will be no children? How do I approach this thing?
The questions still come, but there is also a magnificent feeling of freedom. I am a grown ass woman, whether I like it or not now. Men-o-pause certainly don’t stop no show; it means for me that the coming years of my life will be free of the monthly visitor that I hated to find at my doorstep. It also means that I must pay attention to the signs that my body is given me and take care of it properly.
I have hot flashes now…well, I’ve had them for a while (during The Crazy Years I simply didn’t know what they were). And the insomnia and night sweats have an explanation. Not being able to remember anything has pushed me to make lists for everything. But I’m okay with the changes I need to make. I don’t consider it a burden; it is, in fact, very freeing.
Ultimately, I’m good. Very good. And I feel extremely blessed to be here, 28 days before The Year of My 40. I’m ready for whatever.
