sunday morning, full…
I did it. On Thursday, I performed in front of an audience of roughly 300 people as part of The Vagina Monologues. I didn’t think I was going to make it. My emotions were threatening to get the best of me. I couldn’t keep still, and my body wanted to move…so that’s what I did. Pretty much all day. Move, here and there, up and down, back and forth. Total craziness.
There was only one thing that calmed me down. And that thing came at the very last minute it could have. It managed to be right on time.
You see, Thursday, February 16th, was exactly 6 months since my cousin Ed was murdered. We use death in various ways; one of the ways that I thought I could honor my cousin was to live my life fully and completely, everyday. I think I’ve done a pretty good job of that. Of course, I always think I could do more. There are not quite enough hours in the day.
On Thursday morning, when I woke up, I could feel a sense of exhilaration grip me. It stayed with me all day. I went to work for 4 hours that morning, and I found myself constantly hopping up out of my chair, almost run-walking to the bathroom or to the break room or to the copy room, or to talk to the HR Manager and/or Recruiter. I went outside a couple of times, and just walked around the building. I couldn’t quite figure out what was going on. I mean, I’m no stranger to public speaking; I am comfortable in front of an audience…I am a trainer, for crying out loud! I wasn’t worried about my voice giving out, or falling on stage (the horror!), or flubbing my lines. In fact, I wasn’t worried at all. So I didn’t understand for most of the day what on earth the feeling that I was feeling was.
Right before it was my time, I closed my eyes and said a quick prayer. I prayed that if it was God’s will, that someone would be touched by the words that would soon come out of my mouth. I prayed for God to use me in whatever way He needed to. After delivering my Monologue, and retreating back to my chair on stage, I looked up at the lights just above my head. I felt their warmth, I felt their glare, I felt the power. I smiled, because I felt my cousin smiling down on me. Giving me one of those good hugs he used to give to everyone. Telling me good job. You see, my cousin Ed is the main reason I decided to audition and consequently participate in The Vagina Monologues. Death makes everything urgent; all the things that you have put off until that time take center stage and beg to be completed, or at the very least, attempted. In the months following my cousin’s death, I finished the first draft of my book, started school again, lost 20 lbs., and participated in this play. I want to believe; I do believe that I am living my life in a way that honors his that was taken away so suddenly.
I am happy. I am at peace. I am alive. I am full. I don’t know what else the Lord has planned for me, but I look forward to discovering where He is going to take me. I anticipate the things that I know He is ready to do with me and for me. Oh, how I wish I could give this feeling to everyone that I know. I try; kind words filled with truth and love, and warm hugs are my methods of choice. Yesterday, during Whitney Houston’s homegoing celebration, Pastor Marvin Winans uttered these words:
The gifts that we have is God’s gift to us. But the life that we live is our gift to God.
I’m putting a big red bow on my gift.
Even me, Lord…even me,
~ M
Tags: Sunday Morning
