words of the day…

“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”

~ James Baldwin

something fabulous this way comes…

I did something for me on my 40th birthday…just for me. It made me feel empowered and bold and like I really did have an ‘S’ on my chest under my sweater. After I did this thing—this fabulous, wonderful thing—I drove straight to my bestie’s house and screamed. She was the one person who I knew would understand…and she screamed with me.

This thing that I did required me to step outside of my box. It required me to face FEAR, that bitch that rode my back for so long and held me back from being…me. I exhaled afterward, and felt an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. Even if the thing didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to, the way I dreamed it would, I would be okay with that. Because I had climbed a mountain that day, and it made me feel tall and beautiful and exactly how I imagine I should feel every day.

On the Friday before my 40th birthday, I auditioned for a part in the University of Missouri-Kansas City’s production of The Vagina Monologues. I had seen the play years before on HBO, and fell in love with the message of taking the shame and embarrassment out of talking about our vaginas. Being content and open with how we as women deal with the things, both good and bad, that our vaginas attract and do and are. Acknowledging the power of the vagina. I loved it. I auditioned not only because I loved the message, but also because this would be Marva stepping out of her box a bit. I have no problem speaking in front of people (I’m a trainer for crying out loud), but this is different. It won’t be a classroom; there will be an audience. A large audience who will have their eyes focused on me and my words and my movements. And let’s not forget, I would be talking about something that is still considered taboo: the vagina. That’s some scary shit.

After I walked out of that audition, after I had screamed and let out all the excitement that was inside of me, I let the universe know that I was ready and willing and able to do this thing. And then I promptly forgot about it. I firmly believe that those things that are for you, will come to you, whether you are ready or not. I left this one up to the heavens. There was no worrying, no anxiously checking emails or voice mails, no nervousness. When the doubts tried to come, which they always do, I simply exhaled and sent them back on their way. There was no room for those doubts here.

So when I got that phone call this afternoon, that voicemail telling me “Congratulations…you got the part!” I exploded into giddiness. I wasn’t surprised, because the Universe had already promised this to me. I was, and am, ecstatic that I will be a participant in somethign that I feel passionately about; I am overwhelmed that I will be able to use my voice, my personality, my Marva to say something meaningful for others to hear. There is no greater joy than loving something and allowing others to share that with you.

There is power in them rolling hills, ya’ll…

~ M

monday music…my favorite cd #4

I happed upon my Confessions CD this week and I’ve been listening to it non-stop. It is one of those rare musical feats that artists sometimes only wish for: every single song is perfect. Every single song could be a hit. Every single song delivers.

I’ve been a fan of Usher since he hit the scene as a baby-faced teenager. You can see a star rising; there is something in their spirit and attitude that show you that they are not the run-of-the-mill artist. Usher was that then, and he certainly is that now. I’ve been impressed with him since that first CD and remain so today.

But the Confessions CD, though? All I can say is that it is goodness from start to finish. I love a CD that tells a story…music is supposed to do that, I believe. Confessions is a movie on wax; it is a novel sang over tight beats and harmony. I have the tendency to embrace the gooey love songs before the dance cuts…but this CD put that tendency to shame. Yeah always makes me want to dance, and Caught Up is reminiscent of the King of Pop and his ability to hold your attention for the length of a song and put the music in your bones. Don’t get it twisted, though…Usher can certainly deliver those weak in the knees bedroom melodies that make your insides melt (see That’s What It’s Made For and Can You Handle It?).

We don’t get much R & B these days that make the genre proud. Confessions does that completely.

And…Usher could get it any day of the week that ends in ‘Y’. Lawd…

I’ll be your groupie, baby…’cause you are my Superstar,

~ M

sunday morning, quiet…

What do you do on Sunday mornings? I know many of us get up and go to church and thank the Good Lord for allowing us to see another day. Many of us take the time out to be still, relishing the last day of the weekend before hitting the hustle and bustle of the work week on Monday.

I use Sunday to reconnect. To look back at the past week and decide what lessons I need to pay more attention to. I think about how I am living my life, and what I have to do to stay afloat in these days. I thank God for waking me up, and for loving me, and for constantly blessing me. I also aim to be quiet. That quiet allows me to breathe and move and be.

When you flitter about, constantly trying to figure this and that out, you miss out on hearing your Spirit direct you. This morning, I did something I haven’t done in a long time. Before I got out of bed, I sat cross-legged and just…breathed. I let the quiet surround me, and I let those inhalations and exhalations release the worry that is always there. In my quiet, I listen for my Spirit to affirm who I am and what I need to do.

The remainder of my Sunday will be filled with football watching and packing and homework. I have so much to do, but I don’t worry. I have full faith that I am in exactly the spot I’m supposed to be in. I believe that God will continue to prepare the table before me. I think that is the true meaning of happy…at least for me. There is nothing in this world that I consider to be out of reach; nothing that I feel that I cannot do. How powerful is that?!

Be quiet. Sit still for a little while and listen. You will always get an answer to whatever is on your mind. And you will continue to move forward to being who you are supposed to be.

I know I’ve been changed,

~ M

thankful…

Happy Thanksgiving!

We all know the story behind Thanksgiving; I choose to embrace this holiday as a time to be thankful and humbled at all the blessings that I’ve been given.

So I say to you: be grateful, use love as your greatest weapon, and enjoy this time with those that you love, and who love you back.

guilty pleasure #1

I don’t watch reality shows. I hate the fact that women, particularly Black women, are portrayed in such a negative way by these shows. I mean, seriously…are you okay with NeNe Leakes being a represented of Black Womanhood on television?! I am not.

But I digress…that is another post altogether. This post is about something I do watch; often in the dark and behind the closed door to my bedroom or office.

Sometimes I don’t want to think when I watch television. I just want to look at something and allow my brain to rest from the thinking that I do all day, every day. Sometimes, I just want to giggle at something so insanely stupid that it doesn’t really make sense. That’s when I turn to Beavis and Butthead.

I’m embarrassed to admit it, but it’s the truth. There is nothing that allows me to lose myself in stupidity more than Beavis and Butthead. Maybe it’s because I get them. I mean, I understand teenage boys because I happen to live with one. And I sometimes have to go outside of myself to comprehend what he and his friends find funny and entertaining. I understand why Beavis and Butthead sit on that sofa and watch all these stupid shows and add their commentary. I bear witness to that on a daily basis in my real life. I understand that sometimes all you can do is dance…that sometimes music gets down in your bones and makes you move. I get that.

Beavis and Butthead are my dudes. and I celebrate the day when they arrived back on my television. It gives me something to not think about. And I would much rather watch two airheads who know they are airheads, than a Black woman slapping or cursing out another Black woman.

Blame it on the al-al-al-al-al-alcohol,

~ M

love on top…

This. song. makes. me. happy.

video credit: originally uploaded to YouTube on October 16, 2011 by beyonceVEVO

the year of my 40 begins…

I wondered how I would mark this occasion. I thought I would just post a video of the song that best described how I feel the morning I wake up to 40. I tried to do a little celebration every day since November 1; I realize that the celebration was really a ruse. I am simply enjoying being alive and well. But being the person I am, I had to do something.

So while watching Black Girls Rock, I received inspiration from Tatiana Ali who wrote a letter to her younger self. The Year of My 40 begins with a letter to my younger self.

Dear Marva,

I love you. I wish that you could see what I see in you. There is such potential, such vitality, such love inside you that I don’t think you realize. I would like to tell you a few things that I think will help you along in your journey…things that I have learned during my 40 years on this earth.

Through all the challenges that you will encounter, please remember that you are strong. Even when it feels as though life is crumbling around you, you have everything in you to withstand the storms and arrive at your destination. Your strength is your strongest gift. Use it wisely and don’t allow anyone to convince you that you cannot stand on your own. You can…and will.

One thing that I’ve learned is that sometimes you have to separate yourself from those who bring you down, no matter who they are. You have a light, Marva…many people are intimidated by that light and try to snuff it. Use Matthew 5:13-16 as your guide and never forget that you are God’s child. He has created you with something unique; pass that gift along to others so that they too may see God in you.

Love will never hurt you. Love doesn’t lie, or lay in wait, or hide from you. Love will find you when you realize that it lives inside you. That companionship that you crave, those times when you feel lonely…remember that you always have family and friends who surround you who pray for you daily. Love comes in many forms; don’t settle on one way to give and receive and manifest that love in your life.

Believe, Marva. Believe in your dreams and believe that you can achieve them. It may not happen when you think it should…God doesn’t follow your timeline. As long as you put forth the effort and trust that God has given you everything that you need to succeed, you will achieve those goals that may seem unreachable. Believe that life is here for you to live it. Believe that you can be whatever you choose to be. Believe that love will lift you higher than anything else you encounter.

Most of all, never lose sight of who you are. Step outside of your box sometime to learn something new about you. Face everyday with positivity. Give all of yourself to those you love, things you are passionate about, and never be afraid to speak the truth…it really does set you free.

You have a road ahead of you that will at times be tough. You will cry and desire and feel alone. You never are. Remember that always and treasure the moments when you smile. Embrace the times when you feel love surround you. Freedom is what you will have by loving who you are, no matter what other’s opinions of you are.

Happy Birthday, Marva. Celebrate by dancing, because sometimes that is the only answer.

Til I die, I’ma fucking ball…who gon’ stop me, huh?!

~ M