Conversations with Marva

If you know me, you know that my life has been a series of ups and downs the past few years. I had already deemed this period of my life The Crazy Years, and delighted in the moment, the very moment that I stopped being crazy and came back to myself. Turns out there was an explanation for those tears that never seemed to end, the fights I picked with everyone around me, the weight gain and loss, and the random outbursts of pure anger.

I was, and am, going through menopause.

Imagine my surprise upon finding this out. I’m almost 40 (28 days until The Year of My 40 for those keeping track), so that means that I began menopause about 2 1/2 or 3 years ago. I don’t know when exactly, but if I trace back through The Crazy Years, I can probably figure it out. I wondered during my Crazy Years what the hell was going on, but I simply attributed the changes in my mood and attitude and body to the fact that I had a lot (!!!) of stress at the time. So when my periods didn’t show up, and my weight fluctuated seemingly daily, I didn’t give it much thought. It was only when I came back to myself that I went and saw my gynecologist to make sure nothing was physically wrong with me. I remember being frightened when Dr. G walked back into that cold little exam room and sat down on the stool. She was holding a stack of papers and the look on her face was something like disbelief. I steeled myself for bad news.

Instead, she shook her head and looked me dead in my face and said, “There is nothing wrong with you. You are going through men-o-pause.”

She then shared my lab results with me and showed me pictures from the ultrasound I had taken less than 30 minutes earlier. She took her time and explained what my test results meant and I sat there, shocked. I just kept thinking to myself, I’m too young to go through men-o-pause, right? Facts are facts, I guess. I’m still a little shocked by it, but everyday I think back to The Crazy Years and feel a little bit of relief that I now know what the hell was going on with me.

I have been done having children. The Boy is and will always be my one and only child. The finality of knowing that though, made me a little sad. What if I find that person out there who is just for me? How will I let him know that there will be no children? How do I approach this thing?

The questions still come, but there is also a magnificent feeling of freedom. I am a grown ass woman, whether I like it or not now. Men-o-pause certainly don’t stop no show; it means for me that the coming years of my life will be free of the monthly visitor that I hated to find at my doorstep. It also means that I must pay attention to the signs that my body is given me and take care of it properly.

I have hot flashes now…well, I’ve had them for a while (during The Crazy Years I simply didn’t know what they were). And the insomnia and night sweats have an explanation. Not being able to remember anything has pushed me to make lists for everything. But I’m okay with the changes I need to make. I don’t consider it a burden; it is, in fact, very freeing.

Ultimately, I’m good. Very good. And I feel extremely blessed to be here, 28 days before The Year of My 40. I’m ready for whatever.

And whatever better get ready for me.

Wild is the wind…

~ M

Tags: Men-O-Pause...really?