A Wrinkle In My Constitution
I’m doing this whole “looking deep within” thing to discover things about myself that I never knew before. It has been a challenge. Do you understand how hard it is to change your mind about the picture of yourself that you see? Let me be the first to tell you that it is one of the hardest things that I’ve ever done.
I guess that I wrestle with denial. I would tell anyone who listened that I am open to change…but that only applies to certain areas of my life. I like things to remain tightly consistent; a change only serves to wrinkle my constitution. I also would tell you that I love to be around people…the truth is that I prefer to be alone. People disappoint you. Maybe that’s me hiding from all the hurt and brokenness that I’ve experienced, but it is the truth.
I love my family, and my son, and my friends; somewhere along the way, the love that I have for myself got lost. I’m finding it again, and it feels different. It’s like that old sweater that you love but realize that it looks terrible on you. I’m trying on new sweaters, y’all…and I haven’t found one that fits yet. The search continues.
I got my haircut yesterday. Nice little layered bob…and I hate it. Oh, I praised my stylist for the work that she had done, but it looked like the old me, the one that I really don’t like and don’t want to hold onto. So I sit here, agonizing about what to do. Again, it’s the sweater thing…
For those of you who don’t know, I’m working on my first novel. Writing comes naturally to me; it’s something that is innate and that I stopped denying a long time ago. It is also not an easy road. Writing makes me take a good long look at myself in the mirror of my penmanship and ask tough questions that I don’t want to answer. When I try to run from the questions/answers, writer’s block ensues. That’s where I am now. It is a form of torture that I don’t recommend, the whole running thing. The only thing running gets you is sleepless nights and headaches. I’m tired of running.
I’ve spent most of the last week in deep reflection. I need to learn my truth, I need to understand me, before I can continue on my path. What motivates me? What makes me love someone and dislike another? When did my alone turn to loneliness? Why do I insist on holding on to my past life?
No more running; just looking on the inside to answer the questions. I’m scared of the answers, so that is absolutely why I must press on. Fear will not win with me again.
Tags: Introspection, My Constitution
