Jul 132009

Life Lesson #9: Hiding

I used to love summertime. Being out and about, going to the park and driving around town with the windows down with my music blaring and my sunglasses on…it was all a part of me living life to the fullest. Back when I had a life, and was shielded from life’s worries and troubles.

That time is no more. I am in the middle of something unfamiliar, and I don’t like it. Not one bit.

There are various circumstances surrounding why I’m in this place, though I won’t entirely blame my job loss as the main reason. It’s not that. It’s something deeper than that. It’s more about how I feel about myself, and how I see myself, and how I don’t want others to see me in this place where I am right now. Being an overachiever has its ups and downs, its highs and lows…the one thing that is a definite low is that you constantly worry about failure. And I feel like I have failed at something.

Even though I’m involved in this incredible new venture and have been blessed to find several new avenues and opportunities to travel, I don’t feel successful. Perhaps I’m basing all of this on my expectations, and not on what my purpose is…but I know that until I get rid of these feelings I will never be able to move forward.

So I hide.

I hide inside my home and go out only when needed. I have become a shadow of my former self, and I hate it. I used to be this outgoing, bubbly person and I would really like to know where she is. Where did she go? I don’t want to answer questions about my job situation, I don’t want to see people that I used to work with and engage in small talk, and I feel terribly ashamed that I sit here, collecting unemployment. I don’t know how to be this person that I am right now.

The good news, if you can call it that, is that I’ve reached my breaking point. I no longer want to hide. I am tired of shutting out the world and want to once again be a part of it. I’m done with staring at the television and being sedentary. I’m done with putting my life on hold and waiting for life to come back. I realize that life requires living, and I’m ready.

I look at this juncture in my life as a fork in the road…and I have to choose which way I want to go. do I want to continue to cave in to the pressure, or do I want to climb out of the valley and prevail?

No more hiding…I’m coming out.

Peace and blessings…

DB

i wish i knew the right things to say to pick your spirits up "M". all i can hope is that you can find the strength to return to your former self. i am not a religious person so i can't offer you encouraging words from that angle, but what i do know is that when i'm at those moments when i really wish i was another person, or in a different life i think about others who are in a far worse situation than me.

i know that that is cliche or whatever but it really hits home with me.

btw...check your email

Marvalus

Thanks DB...I sent you an e-mail reply...too much to write back here! :)

popartdiva

Every week when I come here I have the hardest time trying to find the comments area for the OSF post! Lord, I feel stupid, lol.

I will try to remember how I got here for this week's OSF! I'm writing it now - gettin' my DIVA on, lol.

msladydeborah

Marva,

While I was unemployed my emotions and self-concepts took me on a journey to a lot of spaces and places. I learned a lot about myself as an individual.

I don't know of too many people who are comfortable with self-exposure. I believe we all hide to avoid others from seeing moments like this. I don't know how you feel about being vulnerable or seen as being weak. But, if you are a strong sista like I believe that you are-it is difficult for that image to not be up and working.

There's a whole lot of truth in the addage:Trouble don't last always. Neither does our time in the valley. But that is where we do some of the most important growth on the inside.

Be blessed and hang in there.