Wednesday Rambling

What’s good, peeps? I get sentimental at the end of the year, and this year is no different. I am looking forward to moving into 2009 and continuing to focus on progressing. That’s all I can do. Letting go of all the bullshit that has held me down over the past two years and moving into the space where I need to be is my ultimate goal.

I say in my prayers every night that I am ready to be the person that God has destined me to be…but one thing that I realize is that I am already that person. My personality is not going to change, my character is going to remain the same…the change that I am looking for, I already am. Does that make sense? Let me put it a different way: everything that I want to be, I already am. Some of those things are suppressed, and I don’t use them to get me where I want to be. I want to use those things again, or for the first time.

I have always believed that I have a good heart, and that at the core of my being lies a good person. At my foundation is a person who genuinely cares about others, and gets joy out of seeing and helping others succeed. I believe that is why I am successful in my role as a trainer; it brings me such fulfillment to teach and see the “lightbulbs” go off when people get it…the feeling is indescribable. There are other areas of my life that I need to work on though. I have denied my womanhood for such a long time. I’m not looking to go out and become a hoe…that’s not what I’m talking about. Reveling in my womanhood, to me, means embracing the attention that I get as a woman and not shirking away from it. I’ve been doing that…and why? For so long, it meant drama to me. For so long, it was drama to me. I am 37 years old, and I am a woman, through and through. It is time that I stand completely in that and claim it and be proud of it and all that comes as a result of it! No more hiding for me…

I’ve got a 13-year-old son…we are both going through some changes. He has entered teenage-dom and is testing me in ways that I am totally unprepared for. At times I wonder if I am going to make it…strike that…there are times when I wonder if he is going to make it through. But I will say what I always tell him: if I didn’t love him, I wouldn’t fight so hard to try to teach him the right vs. wrong ways. If I didn’t love him, I wouldn’t ride his ass about his grades, or what he does and doesn’t do around the house, and who he’s talking to, and whatever else I get on him about. I’ve had a pretty easy time, until now, being a mom. He’s been fairly easy to deal with until now. But this is a learning experience for both of us. And I know that I have to keep fighting, because he’s worth it.

I started out this post wanting to say something else (that Anthony Hamilton CD is the BIZNESS!…I’ll have the complete review later), but it seemed as though my fingers and my heart had something else in mind…

Happy Holidays to all!