Sunday’s Thoughts: Reconciliation

It’s hard to reconcile your thoughts and feelings when you feel that you’ve been hung out to fend for yourself. It is difficult to move past the situation and find the bright spot. That’s how I feel. I made mistakes; I don’t deny them. I had/have some serious baggage that I need to let go of, and maybe this experience was just a way for me to see that baggage clearly and get rid of it. I also made assumptions—some because I didn’t know any better, some because of my past experience—and I take full responsibility for my missteps and shortcomings. But making the decision to quit my job was not easy, nor was it reactionary or impulsive. I soul-searched and thought about it for months…and there were a lot of factors involved with me making that decision a reality.

I am not one to point fingers or place blame on anyone; I would rather explain the situation by saying that both sides were wrong in different ways. This experience has taught me to never trust smiling faces; I like to believe in the good of people, and I think that most people are. Sometimes, however, God steps in and makes sure that certain things don’t happen because He can see things that you can’t. I’m not new to the way business works, not new to the way office politics are handled/mishandled/spread/created. So all the things that went on around me, I was aware of. I never had anything to hide, so I spoke what I felt, when I felt it. I pride myself on being a professional; I don’t need anyone to tell me how or when to run my business or do my job. My preconceived ideals and “do whatever it takes, whenever you need to” attitude simply did not fit and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shift them to make them fit.

I’m hurt at the way my departure was handled…I will say that I did all that I could do to ensure that my loose ends were tied in a bow, and that all the information I had was forwarded on to people who could handle and follow up on it after I was gone. I think it speaks to the character of someone if they won’t even address you, or look away when they see you coming, and that happened to me over the past two weeks. In these past two weeks, I cried on the way to work everyday. For two reasons: one, because I no longer felt connected. I was losing the connection anyway, but once the decision was made, the connection was severed entirely and my heart and soul went somewhere else; and two, because during that last two weeks, my work had been reduced to shit…and I was sitting there, bored, trying to find stuff to do.

Even with all of the things that I see that went wrong, I can’t say that this experience was a mistake. This was a Lesson Learned. It is what I do with the lesson that is important. The ultimate thing I must remember is that this situation wasn’t for me; no matter how I felt when I arrived there, I was there for a short period of time for a reason. This didn’t work out for a reason. I had to examine my life and make decisions that were necessary and this situation helped me to do that. For that, I’m grateful, even. For even through bad times, God shows us what we can truly be…if we pay attention. And more than ever, I am paying attention…

Peace and blessings…